Nerds

Last night I could see daOak hanging around the Nerd Heard. For once and just as well they were by the window, and as usual in a circular pack, heads all in together having a pow-wow. Jayzus you'd be expecting white smoke to appear at any minute. I think it must be some latent enzyme in their Deoxyribonucleic acid make up.

Anyway as I was saying daOak was hanging around close by having a real sticky-beak, listening to everything they were saying. Eventually he came over and tapped me on the shoulder 'Hey Wise!' he always calls me by my correct title 'What the fuck is that crowd of Nerds going on about?'

Now to tell you the truth daOak hasn’t a clue what a Nerd is, and of course they speak a different language. Try and have a conversation with one, most speak in binary and would go something like this:

Wise: Howya! Ya bleedin Nerd head!

Nerd: 1001110100011101001010

Wise: What the F*** did you say?

Nerd: 1001110100011101001010

Wise: I haven't a clue what you are saying, is your spark plug missing?

Nerd: (monetary blank look) Splut! Grunt! Splat! (I think this is when the internal hard drive is trying to kick over to English)

Nerd: Splut! Grunt! Splat! -G -- Ga -- Good.

Wise: So what have ya been up to, ya bleedin tosser?

Nerd: Splodge! -N -- Na -- Defraging....

Wise: Will ya ever piss off and stop annoying me! Go on! Off with ya and find your herd!

Oh where was I? Yes the daOak........



I'll have to finish this story later

The Wise One

da Socsperts!

daOak was petty annoyed last night, he was going off something shocking in my ear, and I was just out for a quite night; just 6 or 7 pints of the good stuff. However there was a footie game on the box between Liverpool and Chelsea, and the Pool lost by a goal. Of course when there's a footie game on the box the place fill's up with friggin experts. Now experts like myself who know stuff are one thing, but soccer experts are another. And daOak hates soccer, and hates Socsperts even more. Believe it or not I have seen him try to materialise and piss in their pints on many occasions. So if you ever visit the Oak Bar don't mention soccer or you might end up with a very tasty pint!

Talking about experts; Queen Victoria and the Professor were in for the game last night, she supports Chelsea and the Professor; Liverpool. Now this is were we see the difference between people who know stuff and these Socsperts. The Professor being an intellectual and Queen Vic who knows all would make the odd statement, always profound and said with thought and wisdom.

Professor: 'Lampart is not as quick as he used to be, nowadays he's two second’s short in getting to the ball' and Queen Vic would nod in total agreement. You see that's profound not like those others 'Hey Ref! Ya C**t! You’re as crooked as a trannie walking up Parliament Street’

During all of this daOak was getting more angry by the moment and was swinging punches. Lucky for the Socsperts none of daOak's punches materialised.

The Wise One

So what!

Oakay so I drink! Do you have a problem with that? Probably about 500 units per week more than the recommended dosage for a prime sire. However I do manage very well thank you!

Oh and by the way! I smoke too! Boo Hoo to you too! Don't bother giving me any of your good living shite. I'm deaf when it comes to Holy Joes, Healthy Henrietta's, Exercise Annie’s and I particularly don't like beggars dressed in designer clothes.

Living in Temple Bar I have to opportunity to sample some of the World's finest foods; however I live on a staple diet of Charlies and Zaytoon (Chinese and Persian take-aways respectively) with an od sambo thrown in from the local Spar.

Despite what some may say I don't have an attitude, I just happen to know a lot about most things and I don't mind sharing my wealth of knowledge. Hence me being asked by daOak to write in this blog. daOak by the way is the ghost of the Oak Bar, we communicate regularly and many of the comments written here will be his comments and not mine. I will tell you more about daOak later.

The Wise One