da wedding day

The sun glistened in between the gaps of the closed curtains and flickered across his closed eye lids. He stretched his arms above his head and yawned. His head throbbed, it is too easy now to change that tap water into a decent Merlot.

Pulling back the covers he climbed out of bed; only in his jocks he stumbled across the room and with one sweep he pulled back the curtains. 'Oh shit! I shouldn't have done that' crossed his mind as a wall of sound 'Pappa! Pappa!' vibrated through his head.

'Oh for fuck's sake, I forgot I am Pope now' he screamed as he dived behind the open curtain

Happy Birthday Fillius

'Na.....N.....ee.......p!' Fillius Fogg screamed rushing into the bathroom. 'Hi! there sexy guy' he said looking deep into his own reflection in the mirror. He paused, posed, turned to the left, turned to the right, smiled 'Wow! You are one sexy guy!'

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The image paused for a moment before sighing 'Hi there sexy guy too!

'Neep! Whats up? You sexy image of myself, you look sad!' Fillius asked alarmed

The image leaned forward and whispered 'Do you know what day, today is?'

'Shucks silly, course I do. It's Sunday'

The image started to sniff, his bottom lip quivering 'But it's dat Sunday! The one we don't want!'

'ARrrrrrrrrrr.......ghhhhhhh! NEeee.......p!!!! Nooooooooo' Fillius screamed suddenly realising the significance.

The image looked solemn, tears streaming down his face 'We are in our fortieth year...................the BIG FOUR OOOHHHH!!!'

'I'm so sad' Fillius sobbed 'So old! So woman-less!'

The image nodded in agreement 'We are so sad, so old and so......... hang on! Lets do the song! That will brighten us up! Get your guitar and hat and we'll do the song!

Fillius brightened immediately 'Neep! Yes! Lets do the song!!!!!'

A pint of the dark stuff

I woke one night recently while having a pint of the black stuff to find that the Oak had lost nothing of it's bleakness. Usually I prefer to stay comatose throughout the full extent of my visits, finding it difficult to cope with bleary excitement the establishment creates. The question my previous remarks may generate in your mind, that is; why do I keep going back, if the place is so bleak?

Well, a number of years ago at a party I met and had a conversation with a man of Indian persuasion, know amongst his friends as 'The Buddha of Suburbia' and who spoke in riddles.

'My friend' he said looking at me intensely 'I don't think you have found yourself yet'.

At the time I didn't realise I was supposed to be looking, anyway he lifted my eyelids and looked deeply into my eyes 'Mmm...do you suffer from manic depression?' he asked. A question I have not asked myself repeatedly, life is too miserable, dark, depressing to ask such prolific questions and assume one may get the answers one wants to hear.

Thoughts from a Bar

'An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools'
Earnest Hemingway

'They talk of my drinking but never my thirst'
Scottish saying.

'This is one of the disadvantages of drinking; it makes a man mistake words for thoughts'
A Liverpool saying

'But the greatest love--the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother... Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another'

"If you're sick, you should drink plenty of fluids. And if you ever find a way to drink something that isn't a fluid, be sure and let me know."

'I drank to drown my pain, but the damned pain learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good behavior'

The Budda! The Results!

'Well Professor Hartnell are you pleased that your new brain scan machine has arrived?
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'Ach! I am Doctor Murphy, been waiting for a machine like this for years. It's the most up to date brain scanner in the world, I can't wait to use it and see just how much information it gives us. In fact I'm just waiting for the very first patient to arrive. Would you like to stay and have a look at how well it works'

'Thats very kind of you Professor, I would love to see it working. Professor that knock on the door must be your patient now'

'Ach hello! come in and your name is?'a

'Grr....Rumpelled O'Budda, without the atch'a

'Please take a seat Mr O'Budda and let me have a look at your file'.a

'Look Doctor! I'm not in form for any of this health stuff this morning. I was out on the piss again last night'a

'Ach! No! No! Mr O'Budda, your joking with me now. It says here in your file that you're not to be drinking, and it's Professor to you if you don't mind'a

'Don't tell me you're from Liverpool too?'a

'Ach noo! Im from Glasgee'a

'Great pubs there, I'll bet Professor?'a

'Ach! ma goodness Mr O'Budda, is that all you think about, pubs?'a

'Grr.....Yeh! and smoking, and did I mention drinking?'a

'Lord! God! Mr O'Budda! You're really teasing me now, will you please hop out of your clothes, and put this gown on and lie down on me new scanner'a

'Grr..can I not just stay in me underpants, I dont look great in those dress things?'a

'Ach! if you must Mr O'Budda, it's your brain we want to look at'a

'There you go now, Mr O'Budda, I need you to lie still and dont mind the noise and the scanner moving up and down'a

'Grrr...I need a pint and a cigarette, can I smoke in here Professor?'a

'Go on Mr O'Budda, you are a real joker'a

'NO! NO! Mr O'Budda.....I didn't men you could smoke!'a

'Grrr....'a

'Now Dr Murphy, Dr Ryan referred Mr O'Budda here to me for a super scan because Dr Ryan says in his notes that Mr O'Budda's regular scan gave unrecognisable results. It says here that it was like Mr O'Budda's brain was fighting the scanner'

'Hey Professor! Can you get a move on, it's nearly closing time!'

'Well knock me into the firth of forth, Mr O'Budda. It's only seven after nine in the morning'a

'Yikes! Did you say seven of nine and fifth of four? Where are they? Are they here?'a

'Ach! Mr O'Budda can you please stay quite for a moment'a

'Now Dr Murphy in a moment we shall start getting a print out. I suspect Mr O'Budda's nutolobian globes are enlarged, along with I imagine a secretion of stucobarstoolitis, tinged with a large shade of irritablitis.'a

'That will be very interesting, if that is the case Professor'a

'Here we go Dr Murphy, the results!.......................Ach! Lord!........Aeeeee....Cant be! What does this mean ? Thirteen of six and half; full Borg designation'

'Press that More Information button Dr Murphy'a

'Oh Lord......have a look here Dr Murphy it says............Thirteen of six was a drone in the Borg collective that had the mutation which allowed him to enter Unimatrix Zero. In 2376, Thirteen of six was assigned to a subjunction of Unimatrix 525. He was summoned to the Unicomplex in Unimatrix 01 by the Borg Queen. She asked him what he remembered about Unimatrix Zero, attempting to locate the carrier frequency that let the drone enter Unimatrix Zero. When Thirteen of six didn't reply, the Queen severed his connection to the Hive mind. The drone still said he remembered nothing. The Queen decided to have the drone dismantled and remove his cortical array (his head) for analysis instead. (VOY: "Unimatrix Zero")
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'For God's sake!...Ach no! ....Dr Murphy...look at the scan image!



Reporting from St James for daOak
Marsha Mellow

Once in a Blue Moon!

Once in a Blue Moon, something really, really nice happens. And tonight was one of those nights; two of the nicest people anyone could befriend announced their engagement! It was a feel good factor of twenty over ten!! Gerry and Muriel have decided to make it a day! Congratulations to both of you lovely people, my you enjoy each other for ever. We all wish you every happiness.

Nerd TV

'Na.....N.....ee.......p!' Fillius Fogg screamed rushing into the bathroom. 'Hi! there sexy guy' he said looking deep into his own reflection in the mirror. He paused, posed, turned to the left, turned to the right, smiled 'Wow! You are one sexy guy!'
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The image paused for a moment before replying 'Hi there sexy guy too!
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They smiled at each other 'I believe you are going to be on TV?' the image in the mirror asked
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'Shucks! I know dat!' Fogg replied blushing 'Na...eep........ finally I am going to be seen by the world.
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'Mmm..!' the image grunted and turned to walk away.
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'Come back!' Fogg jumped at the mirror 'Let me tell you, ya sexy image of myself. I am finally going to get me a woman.
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'Yea! Yea! Yea!' the image grinned 'I suppose you think dat once you get on dat TV the fan mail will come rushing in?'
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'Yes! Yes! Yes!' Fogg screamed back 'At last, I am going to find a nice warm place to put my little joy stick'
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The image doubled over laughing, then stopped suddenly and looked up with a tear in his eye 'Does this mean it's over between us? after all the time we have spent together, you are just going to dump me?'

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'Yes! Yes!.......Na! Of course not! How could I dump you? We have been buddies for a long time, sure who would I share all my Playnerd magazines with if I didn't have you? 'Hey! Did I show you the latest one?' Fogg asked pulling a magazine from his back pocket.

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For daOak.blogspot TV in Dublin, this is

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Marsha Mellow