It's dirty olde feckin place!

I went into the The Oak for a pint last night and met Wise; he didn't look well, he was very pale, I thought. When I asked him if he was feeling alright he said that

'Don't forget your shovel if your going to go to work'

The words of a song came to mind as I started to write this little ditty for Wise, the old bastard is too lazy to write it himself. Anyway, it's not a shovel you now need going to The Oak for a pint, but a nose peg to ward off the smell coming from the filthy toilets. A miners lamp to be able to see and the nerve of al qaeda pilot to put up with the bad manners of some of the staff!

The Age of Aquarius or is it the Aged of Desper-arius!

For Jayzus sake! I'm sitting at the bar, it's early evening, I'm on my own and the place is empty. I haven't seen sight nor sound of daOak since we returned two days ago. We had been away since June, that was when the Alka-nerda ganged up on us and paid for a 'Fat-twat' to be placed on our heads. However, recently the Nerds have allowed us to return once we kept our mouths shut, mind our own business and don't write anything about them. He..hehehe...yea...right!

So there I am, sitting, minding me own bleeding business, watching the sexy little burd behind the bar refilling the cooler. Actually, it was worse than that I was ogling the little burd's behind, as she refilled the cooler behind the bar!

Okay....Guilty! By the way she is a pretty little thing, with a somewhat grumpy face until she smiles, and then jayzus she would brighten the heart of any man.

'Polish' she said she was, can you imagine dat? Polish and dis is Ireland! Did ya ever think you would see the day? Polish, Chineese, Argintinkians and others, all working in my local.

Anyway der she was yacking away to me, filling the cooler, her back to me and I didn't hear a thing she said. To be honest I couldn't take me eyes off her arse and dat bit of string dat was going around her waist and down elsewhere.

Being a nosey old fart I had to ask her what it was.

She said it was a 'thong'.

A f**ing thong! Im my day a thong was something ya put on yur feet. Now she says they puts dem between the cracks of their arse! And I can't imagine why and where it ends up! Wooo....whats de world coming too? I would hate to see wat she would do with me old army boots!




Suddenly I felt dat fimilar cold breeze materilised beside me, and daOak appears 'for F***$ sake!' he says 'I've been away for a few months, and the children of the Age of Aquarius have turned into the Aged of Desper-arius!'

'Wat are ya talking about, ya old muppet?' I asks

'Well' he says 'Years ago, when the Budda, Queen Vic and Mystic, used to come in ere they wer yung, a laugh and sparky. Now dey have turned into fucking grumpy old farts'

I tought I wus hering things! daOak complaining about iss old mates!

'All dey do now is complain!' he grumbles, with his head between his hands 'and even worse, dey are getin mixed up wit dat other crowd!'

Oh Jayzus! by this time me head is bleeding melting, daOak talking about others complaining 'Wat are you going on about, what is all mixed up?' I asks him

'De old corner boys and Queen Vic' he says 'even without the Professor, have become the moaniest fuckers I have ever heard. And! And! Wats worse!' he screeches eyes bulging out of his old dial 'I'm sure they are going to cross breed!'

At this stage all I want to do is get back to gawking at the Polish burd 'Okay daOak' I says 'Wat are ya talking about cross breeding, who is going to cross breed?'

He leaned forward and mumbles 'I heard one of the Nerds saying dat he was going to invite da Budda up to his apartment. Ya see I always said it! The Nerds are from the twilight zone and dey are going to try and cross breed'

Mmmm...I suppose the movie will be called 'Aliens daOak 3'

Interview with daOak (Manager in Spirit)

daOak and Wise returned today from a their sorgorne abroad, and while Wise was catching up on some serious sampling of the old brew, I managed to have a chat with him and inderectly with daOak.

MM (Marsha Mellow): daOak Sir, how do I address you?

daOak: a good lookin girdle like can call me any time!

MM: (Blushing) that is not what I meant, does it feel good to be back?

daOak: Not really, everything has changed here. Freddie and the Sarge have gone and there is some guy called Doris in charge now, so Mystic says. However rumour has it he or she is never here. How can you manage a bar when you are never here? When I managed this bar I was always here and still am, even though I have passed to the other side, do you think I would leave it to this bunch of *7$"**8^$*** running the place.

MM: So what has changed sine you have been away apart from the management?

daOake: Well the noise level has increased the TR Bar and it's a pain in the arse for the people in the Oak bar.

stopped just inside the door and looked around 'Oh it's great to be back' he said. We had just returned after been in hiding for the last couple of months. It's a long story so I'll tell you all about it another time.

I looked around and realised that the place was empty with the exception of a scrawney looking little female behind the bar. I was hoping that Sarge would be on duty, so I could catch up on everything I missed while being away.

'Nothing ever changes around here' he said gleefully. However he was to realise very quickly that everything had changed

The ejection of Herr Flick from the Oak

Recently I had the great pleasure to witness the ejection of a former Tanaiste and ex-leader of a certain political party from the Oak Bar. Why? Well Herr Flick thought that he was exempt from the smoking ban and felt that he could stand inside the door of our drinking emporium with a pint of plain in one hand and a smoking cigarillo in the other.

Much to the amusement of the staff and other patrons, Herr Flick was informed by a well mannered non-national doorman that there was a ban on smoking inside public buildings and that included public bars. Offended and outraged Herr Flick paused for a moment before deciding to comply and step outside; however when he did and much to his confusion he was asked to please step back inside and plonk his pint down.

At this point one of Herr Flicks henchmen and obviously a member of the PD Gestapo goose stepped across the room and started to yap at the heels of the burly doorman, demanding to know the doorman’s name and where he came from. To a big ‘Oooo’ and the odd 'racist' comment from the surrounding patrons, Her Flick quickly called his Jack Russell to heel and commanded him to sit and stop snarling.

Marsha Mellow

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem

daOak and Wise have been in hiding for a while now, ever since the Al-Ka-Nerda invaded the Oak Bar and pushed them into hiding.
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In true Al-Ka-Nerda fashion they claimed to believe in free speech however very shortly after taking power they placed a fat-twat on the heads of daOak and Wise.




Recently I had a chance to visit the two old farts at their holiday hideaway in the sun, only to find that daOak wants to come home.

So beware Oakians the boys are on their way back!

'Quod licet bovi, non licet bon jovi'

Signing off for the moment

Marsha Mellow


Ps. Here is a photo of me on the beach;

Excuse Me! Can I help you?

Excuse Me! Can I help you?

If this has nothing to do with you, then piss off! Mind your own business and fuck off!
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We were minding our own business; me and da Oak. We were having a chat when these two lovely women came in and sat beside us. Obviously they have good taste, da Oak said. And sure enough the two females started chatting us up. Jayzus! Don't you just get fed up been hit upon!
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Anyway! As it turned out, they really had good taste and had more than a brain between them. Not like the usual female twit's that usually flap around this Emporium. Stuck so far up their own arses that a gynaecologist couldn't extract them with a giant size forceps.
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Shush!

Shush!

Let's whisper! We don't want the big gun's getting any idea that we are still here. With the heavy weights away in Spain and hopefully some of them will stay there; we here can speak freely.

Phew! What a relief!

daOak! Was was able to breathe a sigh of relief last night; with an nearly empty pub, with only Long John's, Mystic and La Coola Dude da Oaka in their usual quite refrained and saintly mood. The pub was a pleasure to behold.

When the three 'Regs' left the conversation between the staff eventually came around to dress sense and the question of what would the heavy weight wear when away while away?

Apart from Perry's ball and chain and his brother Saint Kevin's fab-e-lous hair doo, would Fillius Fogg's let go his passion and wear his favorite hot pants. Thanks to one of the heavy weights passion for mobile phone photos we are able to bring you this exclusive from Spain!

Quidvis Recte Factum Quamvis Humile Praeclarum!

The time has come to say goodbye!

Latine loqui coactus sum!

As from today it is unlikely that this blog will be updated regularly, if at all. So I would like to thank those of you who have read, contributed, and particularly those who have had the piss taken of you. You have been really good sports.

This Thingy was originally only supposed to last for a week or two at the most. However the response to this in readership terms was huge. Far, far greater than anyone would have expected. In fact we have had thousands of hits, from all over world.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur!

The funny thing from this side is that Marsha Mellow (not her real name) is a real person and she did actually mingle at times with the stars of this thingy-blog! And she did actually talk to Ms. Picketfence and most of you guys....and pass back some bits of info. (By the way Ms. Picketfence you are lovely and Perry is a very lucky guy. All the joking aside!)

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.

Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima?

Sarge, the Nerds, Queen Vic, the Professor, Princess and Willie, you are all very special people and well deserve to have the piss taken out of you! You can take it and you came back for more! What a laugh, we are funny people, us Irish.

Budda, I hope you get your health back ASAP!

daOak is also real and is more than a little pissed off I that have decided to not to continue with the blog, after him going off and nearly learning to use the com-puter!

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.

I also want to thank Mystic who kept up the pretence of being the blog author. It was his idea in the beginning, although he was too lazy to actually get down and do it himself.

If you have been offended, we apologise.........it was only a bit of fun!

Quidquid id est timeo puellas et oscula dantes.

Ceterum censeo, Carthago delenda est!


Kindest regards

Wise and daOak

Hang 'em Both!

Letter received this morning:


Dear Mr Wise and Mr daOak

I have been instructed by my client Ms. Marjoram Picketfence to inform you both; that Ms. Picketfence intends to take legal proceedings to stop all slanderous information about herself and Mr Perry Mussel-Picketfence from be published on your Blog-iffery.

Ms. Marjoram Picketfence denies that there is any substance to the allegations being made on this web site and intends to seek full compensation for the hurt and trauma caused to her delicate person.

Ms. Marjoram Picketfence has asked me to issue the following statement:


1. That Mr Perry Mussel-Picketfence gave his full consent to changing his name by nodding twice. a

2. That Perry enjoys sleeping on his new mat. a

3. That Perry has no memory of being associated to any of the Nerds named on the web site. a

4. That Perry has no interest in drinking alcoholic beverages, except in the company of Ms. Marjoram Picketfence. a

5. That Perry hates football. a
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6. Rumours that Perry has had a 'Brazilian' waxing are completely untrue, although he did enjoy having his legs done.

Finally Ms. Marjoram Picketfence would like to add:

If I am ever wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the Perry did or said wrong.

Get Well Soon Budda!

As you are probably aware the Budda has not been well. Thankfully he is making a full recovery. daOak and Wise want to wish him a quick and full recovery. He is missed by his friends.

Long Legs and the Honey Pot....Calling!

I once knew a man who was cautious, careful and suspicious of all female activity. In fact he talked about it incessantly; he wrote about it in volumes and became an icon of male self-preservation.

He moved from town to town dispensing his knowledge. Men came from distant parts of the nation to hear him speak, to gain his unique perspective, to be cured. In 1999 he established his first church at the place of the ‘Holy Oak’ were he ordained his twelve disciples/apostles.

Budda, Long John’s Silver, Gurdy-Gurdy, Mystic, Perry, La Coola Dude da Oaka, Mystic, Willie, Big Bertha, Tipper Ariee, Fillius, Sarge.

In one of his parables he tells this story:

God appears to a man and offers to grant him his most dearly held wish. The man asks for a motorway stretching from Dublin to Florida because he hates flying but loves visiting Disneyworld.

God suggests that his wish is a bit selfish, that most people would ask for something that might benefit humanity a little more and gives him 24 hours to think it over. The next day he returns and the man says that instead of the transatlantic highway, he’d like to know what women want.

If he knew that secret, he argues, he could share it with other men and make the world a happier more harmonious place. God looks at him, nods his head slowly and says “How many lanes would you like on that motorway my son?

Recently he shocked his apostles with a surprise announcement

‘My brothers’ he announced ‘Soon I must leave you (Friday evening 6.30pm Ryanair) My time here has nearly come to an end. As you are aware I have been chosen by my father to be the one to sacrifice myself for the good of mankind.’

He paused for effect ‘Recently in my dreams I have been hearing the music’

The apostles gasped in unison ‘aaahhh!’ (B flat)

He continued ‘I have been hearing the music and the tapping of dancing feet’



Then he said something I didn't understand 'Sociologically speaking' he said 'it maybe Rainham in my heart, but I'll have an umbrella, and it will be a Rosie day when the sun shines!'

Pausing again said 'My brothers some of you have already fallen to the call of the Honey Pot, poor Perry, Willie and Mystic for example are beyond redemption. Others unfortunately will never chew a tasty piece of honeycomb. However while we four may have failed, you must continue on and resist the temptation of the flesh and wonder!'

Perry Comes Home!

Perry was bored and grumpy, though he didn't show it. Marjoram didn't allow him to be grumpy. Once again he had sat through Coronation Street, Eastenders, and Emerdale. This was his nightly ritual for what seemed like years, but it was probably only two weeks, he wasn't sure.

Over the last couple of nights he had been having very unusual dreams. In his dreams he could see himself sitting amongst a group of men in a bar, they were laughing and he had a pint of larger in front of him on the bar.

The men looked familiar, though he couldn't be sure, the setting was wrong, he hardly ever went into a bar. Never on his own, Marjoram didn't allow it, she would always accompany him, and what's more he didn't have any friends. Though that was another thing, he felt at times that he had friends, but couldn't remember any. It was all very confusing, it was like a whole part of his life had been erased. The only friends he could ever remember having were his childhood friends, and that was a long time ago.

He was nervous, he wanted to ask Marjoram some questions about his past. He knew she didn't like these types of questions, if anything made her angry it was his questions about his past. He looked across at her sitting at the dining table, she was reading one of her many crochet pattern books. He wasn't sure either if she had changed or maybe it was like the dreams; all in his imagination.




Marjoram sat upright on her hard backed chair, she reminded Perry of a old fashioned school head mistress. Her hair was tied back in a bun, she wore dark horn rimmed glasses, a high neck blouse tied at the top with a female neck tie. Her tweed knee length skirt matched her sensible tan coloured flat shoes.

'Excuse me Marjoram' he asked with a quiver in his voice

'Yes Perry' she answered, looking at him annoyed at being disturbed in the middle of the exciting bit of line 185 'Skip next st, dc in next st; working behind last st made'.

He could feel the tears beginning to well up 'Where did I come from?' he began to blubber

Marjoram frowned 'Stop this blubbering! She replied. She didn't show her concern, she knew that she would have to tell him about the birds and the bees at some point, but she didn't think it would have to be so soon. She would have to consult the manual again.

Quickly changing the subject 'Lets go into town' she ordered. The manual said it was good to test your man regularly, to make sure he is not slipping from the program. Tonight she would take him into town for a walk around his old haunts. She would watch his reactions carefully, he may need a reprogramming top up. He had been acting a little unusual lately, she had noticed only yesterday, when they were on the bus home, how he looked at every pub they passed.

On the bus going into town she noticed he was rubbing his hands together 'why are you doing that?' she asked.

'I like going into town' he grinned like a six year old boy

'There's a good boy. You behave yourself now. No tantrums, I won't have any tantrums Perry!' she growled.

'Yes Marjoram' he answered nodding his head

After they got off the bus and as they walked down towards Temple Bar Square, he gripped her hand excitedly and began to pull her towards The Temple Bar Music Centre 'Marjoram can we go in here?'

'No Perry! You know you are not allowed. You promised you would behave yourself'

'Okay Marjoram' he said meekly

She turned them back and onto Dame Street, she couldn't hold back any longer. She need to see what his reaction would be like when they passed his old regular the Oak Bar. She hoped that none of his old friends would be outside smoking.

Everything went well for Marjoram as they walked up Dame Street, Perry didn't react at all and she was pleased until they came to the front door of the Oak. Suddenly he let go of her hand and started to make for the door.

'Perry! she screamed 'What do you think you are doing?'

'I want to go in' he answered.

''Well you can't! There are dirty old drinkers in there' she said scowling and remembering the many night she had spend in bars before Perry was reprogrammed.





'dirty old drinkers' Perry mimicked

Thinking quickly she added 'And there are Nerds in there too! And we don't like Nerds' She said snarling 'Do we Perry? If you go in there the Nerds will get you!'

'Neep-neep' she whispered into his ear






Perry jumped with fright 'No! No! Marjoram don't let the Nerds get me!!! I want to go home'

'Good boy' she smiled 'Lets go home and I will make you cocoa. And if you are a good boy I will let you sleep in my bed instead of on your mat'

He looked at her with a big grin and asked 'Can I slobber too?'

'Yuck! Perry don't be disgusting!' Marjoram screeched in horror.

Little 'Long Johns' Silver!

After a disturbing visit to the Oak on Tuesday night (see Sarge-Dracula for details) I decided to give Wednesday night a miss. However yesterday afternoon, Thursday, I received a call from a friend who is a barman in the 'Stag's Head' to say that the 'Nerds' had booked the private room for a meeting.

'They are going to dress in disguise' my caller advised 'as pirates! They don't want to be recognised'

With the 'Wise One' returning at the weekend I decided I better get my pretty ass in gear. He would be annoyed if I miss out on too many reports.

I would need to blend in somehow! But how?

Later, I found something suitable to wear, I was dealing with 'Nerds' so it was unlikely they would recognise me from the Oak Bar and there was absolutely no way they would recognise the fact that I was a woman in this disguise.




I headed down to the 'Stag's Head'. There I arranged with my friend to stand in as a barman.

The room was full and a low hum filled the air.

(Phew! Whiff!)


No! not that kind of a 'Hum' but the 'Hum' of over heated hard drives.

They were communicating by Wi-Fi. So I quickly put in my ear piece and tuned in; they were using Atheros AR5006X Universal 802.11a/b/g Wireless Network Adapters!

The Nerd Master 'Fillius Fogg' looked more agitated than usual and was talking to himself, which was not unusual. He kept looking down and mumbling 'Neep! Was 34, now 36! Scan again...Whirrr...'Confirm! Neep-neep! Now 36, was 34!

Finally he got himself together by tightening his extra large belt and called the meeting to order 'Members of Nerdicus Neep, I have bad news!'

He paused and said 'We cannot save Perry!'

'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'
'1100110101111010001111111111...Perry?'
'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'

'Perry!.....Who the fuck is Perry?' Piped up Snipper-wire or Little 'Long Johns' Silver as he was better known.

'Uh! Neep! Sorry said Fillius 'for those of you who don't know Marjoram Picketfence has succeeded in reprogramming Dick Mussel's system.ini and he will now only respond to 'Perry'.

The crowd erupted again: 'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'
'1100110101111010001111111111...Perry?'
'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'

'Dats a disgrace Boy!' Shouted Little 'Long Johns' Silver again from the back of the room 'I tried to warn him. I even offered to loan him a pair of my super warm Long-Johns'

'Neep-neep! Neep-neep! Loan him your what?' asked Fillius.

Looking very sheepish 'I have lot's of dem, I brought dem back from the real capital. Der super warm and dey can protect you from the coldness of a woman's heart'

I immediately knew by his accent, where the real capital was.

So I decided to take a photo of him with my ring camera. 'Control' would want to know that there was a republican in the camp, who though there was a real capital somewhere else than Dublin.






'All the members of the group all turned together and looked at Little Long Johns' Silver and said in unison 'Arragh! We wondered were you managed to get that nick name from!'

Little 'Long Johns' Silver, blushed 'Neep-Neep!.












Marsha Mellow a


Undercover for 'The Wise One'

KAOS!

It was like a scene from the 'Get Smart' TV series, which is re-running for the 102nd time on one channel at the moment.
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I felt like 'Agent 99' when the Chief called myself and Wise in to 'Control' last week. Wise was taking some well earned holidays and the Chief asked me to step into the 'Wise One's' shoes. I did, but they were too big; I would have to wear a pair of my own.
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'The Cold War is still on' he said looking concerned 'even though it's the beginning of summer, there is a cold wind blowing behind the scenes'
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'Your mission 99!' said the Chief
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I interrupted him 'Aren't you supposed to say 'If you choose to accept it!''
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Confused for a moment, he replied 'No! that's a different TV program'
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I nodded
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He started again 'Your mission 99, should you choose to accept it. Is while Wise is away on holidays I want you to go down to the Oak Bar. We believe that 'KAOS' have infiltrated it and we don't want to miss and opportunity to see what they are up too!'
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'Yes Chief' I said
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When you get there, try and make contact with daOak. You'll probably have to use Wise's shoe phone.

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'That will be difficult Chief' I said 'They don't fit!'

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He look at me for a moment 'Well you'll have to carry one in your handbag'

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'If you can't get daOak on the phone' he continued 'look out for some soccer fans with self filling pints. He'll be somewhere around them. You can update yourself by reading the Socperts Report'

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Last Night: I dressed early; chose a suitable outfit so I would blend in with the locals. I didn't want to look out of place.

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When I arrived, there were only four people sitting at the end of the bar. I immediately swooned! The one closest to me was 'La Coola Dude da Oaka' Thank God he was facing the others, otherwise I would not have been able to control myself.
I could feel his magnetic powers drawing me closer!' However I was lucky; Wise had warned me and I had used anti-magnetic face powder and sat behind them at the window.
'La Coola' sat beside two suspicious looking women. I managed to take a photo of them in the mirror with my ring camera.
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On the other side of the two women sat a man I also recognised as the Chief of 'KAOS'. His name 'The Budda'
There was certainly something up!
I didn't take his photo, the Chief had warned me not too. The Budda had camera sensitive eyes, which would automatically respond to any camera pointed at them.
'What would happen, if I did take his photo?' I had asked the Chief
'Well! It's tragic really!' The Chief had replied 'If the 'Budda' senses a camera being pointed at him. He will immediately respond by breaking out in song or start quoting Shakespeare or worse still he may jump onto the counter and start doing a tap dancing'
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'Why does he do that?' I asked curiously


'Like I said, it's tragic really' The Chief nodded in genuine sympathy 'It all happened a long time ago. He fell on the rails'
I interrupted again 'Surly you mean 'fell of the rails'?'
'Don't call me Shirley! 99! At least not here in work' The Chief said annoyed 'Anyway, it all happened a long time ago when the 'Budda' had a leading role in a movie called 'Von Ryan's Express'
The movie was being made on a train in the Alps, and unfortunately the 'Budda' fell of the train on to the track. The crew decided to leave him there and never came back to collect him. His last scene in the movie shows him running along behind the train as it rattles off into a tunnel'
Since then he has suffered from 'Tragic Actor Kaos' syndrome and has never worked again. Through our surveillance we know that he spends nearly all his weekends going from one tourist spot to another jumping out in front of Japanese and American tourists who are taking photo's.
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Back to the Oak! 99!
Yes! Back to the Oak!
There was something big going down. The two ladies I now realised were the curmudgeon life critics, Statler and Waldorf. Members of B.O.O. -- Brotherhood of Ornery Oldsters. It wasn't long before Mystic arrived, shortly followed by some heavy guns; Offaly Fast and Mac Thatcher.
I slipped quietly off to the loo and phoned in my report to 'Control'.
'Get out quickly' The Chief warned 'Mac Thatcher is on the war path at the moment and may recognise you. If he does; then the shit will fly! So you better get out of there fast! We don't want to blow your cover.
I did and he didn't!









Marsha Mellow a


Undercover for 'The Wise One'

Walkies Dear!

I'm on a mission 'The Wise' has kindly asked me to cover or should I say undercover events in the Oak in his absence. So it was my pleasure to meet Marjoram Picketfence last night; who was sporting a new 'Stage Three' hair doo... and was looking very nice.
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It was easy to see that this is a female with a determined edge and a deep understanding of what skills are required to achieve her goals. She told me in a demure and gentle voice 'You got to just take what you want! Don't pussyfoot around waiting for those' she said looking over at the Nerd Herd 'To come looking for you!'
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'How did you meet Dick?' I asked
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She smiled 'I assume you are talking about Perry?' she replied
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'I thought his name was Dick?' I asked confused
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'Well it was' She said with that smile again 'I have renamed him 'Perry' after my father 'Perry Mason Picketfence'. I believe it is better to give them a new name once you get them to 'Stage Three'.

I want him to be like my father. He's a great man, he's been at stage five for all of my life, and will be a great role model for Perry'.

We had a girlie giggle 'Did he mind?' I asked curiously

'I didn't ask him' she said with a snarl 'That's rule 27a in the reprogramming guide! Never ask them anything!'

'I have to ask you for the sake of our readers. What does 'Stage Three' entail? I whispered

She smiled again 'Well some girls make it very difficult. However in reality it very simple! Their brains are not actually in their heads' another girlie giggle 'I will leave that one up to your own imagination!' She laughed 'Once you have chosen the one you want.

You get them to take you away for a couple of romantic weekends and get them to 'Stage Two' as quick as possible'.

They slobber over you a lot at this stage, and it can be very unpleasant, but you only have to pretend to like it for a while. Once you get them to 'Stage Three' and they start slobbering you can just give them a slap on the head and send them back to their own mat at the end of the bed'.
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'It all sounds very easy' I replied amazed 'Did you have any problems with his friends?'
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'No not really!' she nodded 'But this is where you have to be one step ahead! You have to pretend to like his friends. Now that's a real pain! The shite I have had to listen too over the last year was painful!

Most of his friend hadn't a clue that he was being reprogrammed until it was too late. That's when you have to act quickly! We call it moving them to a 'Safe House' You have to snatch him from his comfort zone. I thinks it's number 36c in the reprogramming guide!

You get him as familiar with his new environment as quickly as possible. Now at this point you will have to put up with some more slobbering until he gets settled. The secret here is to make sure the 'Safe House' is far enough away from his friends, so that they can't just call by without an invitation! You don't want him going out without you too often!'

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I will have more from my conversation with Marjoram Picketfence at a later date!

Signing off for the moment!

aaaMarsha Mellow

Undercover for 'The Wise One'

La Coola Dude da Oaka!

My name is Luca!

Wat-da-ya-know! I'ma better known as La Coola Dude da Oaka!

La Mamma's a love me! Da Pappa's a not so sure!

Justa a watch me Coola Dude a Woman!

I Shaka ana I Stira da Mamma's wita ma charm!

Ma Looks!

Ma coola clothes!

Ma shina head!

Justa watch ma move!

Im da Coola Dude da Oaka!
Ma sexa charms a oozing!
Ma spermans are a crusin!
Da Mamma's are a cooing!

Da Pappa's are a booing!
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Im da Coola Dude da Oaka!
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The 'Wise One' is away for a few days and he asked me to go undercover, and has asked me to give you a few little snippets, I have gleened from talking with some of characters of the Oak.

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aaaMarsha Mellow

Thought For The Day Saturday!

Gurdy-Gurdy da Oak Swedish Chef!

'Budda' Lord of the Oak has decided to make a cookery program for TV. He has asked 'Gurdy-Gurdy da Oak Swedish Chef' to star in his latest production.


Imagine the scene!

Control Room: Camera one are you ready?'

Camera One: Ready control room

Control Room: Chef are you ready? All of your products ready?

Chef: Gurdy-Gurdy! Ready! Ready!

Control Room: 3-2-1 Go live camera one! Live Chef!

Chef: Gurdy-Gurdy! I am the Swedish Chef, Gurdy-Gurdy! Tonight I will show you how to cook a nice chicken.

Control Room to camera One: (off air) For fuck's sake is that a live chicken?

Camera One: Looks like it, it's moving anyway!'

Chef: Gurdy-gurdy! Tonight I will show you how to cook a nice chicken.

Chicken: Gulp! Cluck! I don't think so!!

Chef: We take a chicken. A nice chicken.

Chicken: Cluck! Yikes!

Chef: Gurdy-gurdy! Here nice chicken! Put your head on the table....Gurdy-Gurdy!

Chicken: Not bloody likely. I'm outa here!

Chef:

De-programming Stage Two!

It was early in the evening and the Nerds had decided to meet in a private room in the Stag's Head Bar. Their mission was too secretive to discuss in the Oak. That nosey old bastard of a ghost 'daOak' would be sniffing around looking for info, and he would then pass it all on to 'Wise' for the blog. What a pain in the arse the blog had been recently, they couldn't scratch each others hard drives without it being mentioned on the blog!

There was a full contingent with the exception of the Nerd Master, Fillius Fogg, one of the troika masters who was due to arrive any minute. It was only then the meeting would commence.

There was a low buzz of anticipation amongst the group, when the door of the room opened and the Nerd Master stepped in! Suddenly the room burst into an uproar (to a level of 126.43db's as Snipper Wire recalled later, while doing a readout on his Woof-Woof meter.)

'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'
'1100110101111010001111111111'
'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'
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Suddenly there was a loud 'Wirrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhh' and then a 'Clunk!' As Richard Mussel's (or Dick as he is more commonly known) system froze and he had to do a quick 'safe mode' re-boot.
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Fillius frowned, he had already given Dicks Mussel a warning for not having rewritten 'line 50 in his registry.ini'
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'Neep-neep!' Fillius roard to bring the meeting to order. Tipper Ariee had already hung a large picture of Bill Gates on the wall.
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'Neep!' Let's renew our vow to Saint Bill!
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They all turned towards the image (bill1.jpeg) on the wall and Fillius began to lead the prayer.
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'Neep! We the members of Nerdicus Neep promise to only use fully validated Microsoft products.'
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Quietly and solemnly the congregation answered 'Neep-neep! We promise!'
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'Neep! I call this meeting to order. Has everyone updated their antivirus.dat files?'
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'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'
'1100110101111010001111111111'
'Neep-neep! Neep-neep'
'1011110100011111110111101000111111!'
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'I have' started Fillius 'I have been approached by 'The Wise One' who is seeking assistance for Willie Stoker........ Neep!......excuse me! It seems that Princess has started re-programming him for level two!'
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A huge 'gasp' erupted from the group......
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'But what can we do?' asked Snipper Wire looking very shaken 'we couldn't even do anything to help poor old Dick here, when Marjoram Picketfence got her claws into his 'super p57 intel Magnum chip'.
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Dick Mussel, nodded and started to whimper 'I'm now at 'level three' we moved into together last week!'
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'Stop this behaviour' roared Fillius Fogg 'I'm sure we will be still able to do something to save you yet. I have a hacker working on your program right now'
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'But!' perked up Snipper Wire 'But we are dealing with one of those things' he said pausing, trying to remember what name they were called by.
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'Yes' said Fillius shivering 'it's a woman. You would want to get that motherboard looked at Snipper'
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Snipper nodded in agreement.

Tipper Ariee shook his head 'Impossible! You are dealing with a woman! It can't be done. Just look at what happened to poor old Bud! He met...what's her name......Oh! Yeh Furr Bush...her name is, and that was when his firewall was down for only three minutes and she infected his system.ini, now he's completely fucked!'
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'Yes, thats right' said Snipper 'I think he's at level four already!
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'Ohh No!' cried out Dick Mussel 'What's going to happen to Meeeeeeee?'
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And so the meeting continued throughout the night. The general conclusion was that there was probably no hope for Willie Stroker. But they would still seek out the best Adware, Malware and anti-virus advise from Norton ASAP.
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The details of this meeting was kindly passed on to daOak from daBumble the resident spook in the Stag Bar.
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The Wise One

Raptus Regaliter!

I arrived at the Oak a little earlier than usual, the bar was completely empty with the exception of Willie, even the barmen had vanished. Willie was sitting in his usual position, however tonight he was hunched over, looking more than a little bothered.

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He hadn't even realised I was standing beside him as he gabbled to himself in Latin "illegitimi non carborundum!....(a pause)....'Yeak! dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.'....(another pause)......'Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentis telum est....Yeak!'

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It was nice to hear him gabble on in Latin for a change, for those of you who don't know, Greek is Willies favourite language.

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It was only then I realised that he was in a very disturbed mode. As Mystic would say 'His Kuji was up his faluja'. See, Mystic is a bit like me, he knows things.

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Anyway Willie was totally focused on heaps of pills he had lined up along the counter.

'What are you doing with them?' I asked concerned 'Are you sick?'

'No' he mumbled, without looking away from the line of pills on the counter 'It's Princess, she has me on this new health regime!

'Jayzus! She must think you really need some help' I said, amazed at the amount of pills, there must have been hundreds and he was sorting them into different coloured piles.

'Agnus Dei' He muttered 'She says I have to change my lifestyle and become more healthy. Ya would think she was getting me ready for the dog show at Crupps'

'Look! Look! The blue ones' he says pointing 'Are to help me get off the booze. She says 'that when I want a pint I have to take one of those with a pint of water'

'Nullum Gratuitum Prandium! he muttered rubbing his head and looking more depressed 'The green ones are to make my skin more shiny'

It was then I remembered what daOak had told me about what had happened in the bar last week. How the Princess and her mates talked about how they were going to reprogramme Willie.

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'For feck sake!' I thought 'stage two' has just commenced. The poor unfortunate bastard!

'What about the red ones?' I asked curiously

'She says her friends call them 'Lusty Lucy's' or 'Pick up your pecker' pills.' They are good for your libbie doo' He groaned 'Maybe Crupps wouldn't be a bad idea after all! It looks like she is thinking about putting out to stud!...Yeak!'

I placed a consoling hand on his shoulder 'It's called stage two, Willie' I said.

'Ahheeee No! He screeched 'It can't be, I'm too young, I don't want to be 'Raptus regaliter' until I'm ninety three'

'There! there!' I whispered, handing him a tissue 'It's only stage two; she is only just beginning your reprogramming, you'll be able to think for yourself for another while yet. At least until stage three'

'Ahheee Nooo! 'Semper Ubi Sub Ubi' I want to think for myself for ever!' He slobbered

'Here' I said handing him another tissue 'Blow your nose'.

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It was then a thought crept into my head 'I think you should only take the red ones'

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Stop! I wasn't thinking that !

It was then a thought crept into my head 'Lets ask the people who know about these things! I said.

Willie brightened immediately and begged 'Who! Who!

I puffed up and gave him one of my very appealing knowledgeable looks 'The Nerds!'

'What! They know about women?' He asked, suddenly deflating and looking more confused.

'No!' No! Of course not! Lets ask them about de-programming 'Stage Two!'



The Wise One


Latin to English

illegitimi non carborundum: Don't let the bastards grind you down.
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dulce et decorum est pro patria mori: It is sweet and fitting to die for ones country.
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Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentis telum est: A sword is never a killer, it's a tool in the killer's hands.
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Agnus Dei: Lamb of God.
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Nullum Gratuitum Prandium: There is no free lunch.

Raptus regaliter: Royally screwed.
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Semper Ubi Sub Ubi: Always wear underwear.

Meegeeums

'What do ya think of the Mystic Meg fella?' daOak asked me last night 'he calls himself a meegeeum. But he can't see me, can he?' daOak grinned 'only you can see me, you're more a meegeeum dan he is'. a

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daOak was off on one of his little journeys and by now I have realised that it is easier to let him get it off his chest. That way I have a better chance of a bit of peace and quite later, otherwise he'll be at me all night.

'When I was a young fella' he said 'I saw some real meegeums on the stage of da'limpia down the road. Some of them could read your mind and tell ya what you were thinking, and them hipmatists that could make you think ya were a chicken.
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'Jayzus! der was many a night fellas came in er after the show quacking trying to order a drink' he paused looking around the bar 'When you think about it, some things never change.'

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Then his demeanor changed 'Things have changed' he said solemnly 'it's not like it used to be, people have changed, they have lost their sense of humour. They have turned into grumpy fucks!
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I was quite surprised daOak seldom used bad language 'what's got up your nose daOak?' I asked
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He looked at me and said 'It's said that the Irish have a good sense of humour because it's free, and we have learned to deal with many of the difficulties of life by being able to laugh at ourselves. We don't necessarily laugh at other people, but laugh with them, we laugh together.'

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daOak sat on the stool beside me, head down, with his elbows on the counter, sighed and continued 'We joke and take the piss out of each other, we are good at giving it and probably better at taking it! That's what we do, we are Irish! Renowned for our sense of humour.'

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He stopped 'Not anymore! That's what I've been trying to tell ya! Things have changed! Ya know this blog thing we started?'

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I nodded and he continued 'I've been ear-wigging and most of the lad's enjoy reading about themselves. They pretend not to read it, but I know they sneak an odd look every so often. But jayzus! there are a few real cranky fuckers around. They are so serious and so far stuck up their own arses they haven't seen the light of day for years!'

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'Now there is no need to be like that daOak!' I said.

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'I suppose you are right' he agreed 'they are not too bad I guess, just grumpy fuckers and probably miss the point. That to imitate someone is to pay the person a genuine compliment.'

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'Yes, so they say; It's greatest form of flattery. Is that what we are doing?' I asked. a

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He grinned 'Of course, sure they are our mates!'

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He never got a chance to finish what he was going to tell me about Mystic. Someone came in and took the stool right out from under him and he landed flat on his own arse. When he picked himself up he had the grumpiest look on his face and just pissed off.

The Wise One

Our Chips Are Better Than Yours!

Of course the Professor started it all! Just back from his new found home land of the United Kingdom of Kent. 'Aell reght! Wee ad the best fish-an chips on Sunday last. Me berd, Rosie and me' He said in his best Souse accent. 'You haven't a clue about makin fish-en-chips ov-er ere mate'

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The Budda frowned and looked up from his paper. Eyes peering from above his glasses and below his heavy set eyebrows. The chilling look and the long 'Mmmmm......' was enough to let the Professor know that the Budda was not impressed. Not outraged, at least not yet, that could come later. However it did not completely deter the Professor 'All reight! Your fish ain't bad, but ye haven't a clue bout maken chips mate!' He said with a gulp, back tracking a little.

Bloody hell! What would he or the English know about making chips. We the Irish, have grown the friggin spud for eon's until the English invaded this beautiful land! An sure! Me uncle Paddy Macari from Roscommon was the first man to use, used diesel oil to cook the bloody things into what is now know as the chip...

Hello! From the bloody chipper!.................

Mc Faratha's dictionary of Hiberno-Irish says: Chipper: An ancient Gaelic word for 'the place for were da potato's cooked in good quality used diesel oil' The use off colloquially: 'Get up the yard ya muppet! A one-an-one, bleedin fast! Me mot is on for a ride tonight an I wan to get dis into her fast, and a bit of the other if I can keep er awake for long enough'.

While the Professor was rambling on about the bleedin best fisn an chips. Queen Vic, obviously suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, da had come on since her birthday on Monday. Was flappen her mits all over the place, forgettin of course dat she was not back in London now, waving to her minions, starts ramblin on about horses!

Horses!......For firg's sake!!!

'What about the horses' she says! 'They took dem all for Waterloo.....lou' Her posh English accent quavering into high pitch on the last syllable. At being ignored, she quickly becomes distressed. Her eyes begin to roll and the mits take off and begin to flap madly up close to her ears like a gosling preparing for his first flight.

Finally at the behest of the Budda, who quickly jumps behind Queen Vic, and starts waving and lipping at the others with animated gestures 'Queen Vic! wants to speak!' finally brings chunas to the group.

Silence ensues 'What about the horses' she says again. In her best royal Londoner accent! 'They took dem all for Waterloo............lou'

Feck the peasant's who starved to death over the potato....What about the horses! We wer talkin about fish and chips and the mad thing is going on about horses.

I didn't need Field glasses to know what is coming next? 'I'd hate to work in an old folks home' I thought.

'I remember when we visited the colony' she rambles with a tear starting to form on the right eye as it rolls 'When we were children we visited with our father. In fact it was one of our south of Ireland estates, the one in Cavan, I think. We had beautiful horses and the footmen, groomsmen and a small number of very well paid servants. The 'very' was stressed to suggest that they paid their servants well.

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She continued 'Probably twenty-six or forty-one of them would meet us at the train station and take us to the main house in carriages drawn by the finest of horses'. Pausing for effect and looking at each one of the group individually 'De ones we saved from Waterloo.....lou'.

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The Professor was just about to make a comment (Sociologically speaking) when a slight whip up of the royal mit flipped his bottom jaw back into place and shut. 'And before you ask, we paid our servants well. You know! At least a shilling a year. If I remember correct.'

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There's a long pause, then the eyes roll up and into the back of her head and fail to return, arms dropping limp by her side and ga-ga takes on a new meaning.

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Unfortunately the poor old bird, forgot that she had already told us that they never paid anyone over three pence ha'penny a year.

At this point the Professor is back talking to his pint about the fish an chips, Mystic Meg is off the planet, talking to some lost spirit soul from outer space. And Willie, poor Wee Willie! Is as usual, when the going get's rough, back reading his paper and mumbling on in Greek or Latin about how bloody good Limerick is at hurling, and how he wants to get married when he is a little older, at about ninety-three.

Me! I just sit back and wonder: 'What the bloody hell I am doing here!'



The Wise One

Italian Stew!

I managed to sneak in for an early pint yesterday afternoon and sat at the end of the bar at the window end. Close by at the counter were two lovely looking Italian women. As usual with the Sarge, he had to have a nosey and was pretending to read the paper on the other side of the counter from the two Italian birds.

Sarge was raging, cause the women were talking in Italian. 'Dat's what they do in Italy!' he said as he plonked down my pint. Suddenly one of the women burst into English 'Emma come first!' and in a flash the Sarge was back to his paper. she continued:

'Den I come!'
'Den two asses come together'
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By this stage the Sarge began shuffling from foot to foot, doing that little dance he does when he gets agitated.

'I come once-a-more!'
'Two asses, they come together again!'
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Suddenly the Sarge steps back from the counter, folds his arms. Takes a deep breath and pulls in the tummy. Jayzus! I thought the Sarge's eyes were going to explode.

'I come again and pee twice!'
'Then I come one lasta time!'

By this time the Sarge was puffed up like a peacock and glowing pink, ready to burst 'dats disgusting!' he screeches at the two women 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public! Particularly when we don't have any!'

'Hey, coola down man," said one of the Italian women 'Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' ma frienda how to spella Mississippi."


The Wise One

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