Raptus Regaliter!

I arrived at the Oak a little earlier than usual, the bar was completely empty with the exception of Willie, even the barmen had vanished. Willie was sitting in his usual position, however tonight he was hunched over, looking more than a little bothered.

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He hadn't even realised I was standing beside him as he gabbled to himself in Latin "illegitimi non carborundum!....(a pause)....'Yeak! dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.'....(another pause)......'Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentis telum est....Yeak!'

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It was nice to hear him gabble on in Latin for a change, for those of you who don't know, Greek is Willies favourite language.

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It was only then I realised that he was in a very disturbed mode. As Mystic would say 'His Kuji was up his faluja'. See, Mystic is a bit like me, he knows things.

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Anyway Willie was totally focused on heaps of pills he had lined up along the counter.

'What are you doing with them?' I asked concerned 'Are you sick?'

'No' he mumbled, without looking away from the line of pills on the counter 'It's Princess, she has me on this new health regime!

'Jayzus! She must think you really need some help' I said, amazed at the amount of pills, there must have been hundreds and he was sorting them into different coloured piles.

'Agnus Dei' He muttered 'She says I have to change my lifestyle and become more healthy. Ya would think she was getting me ready for the dog show at Crupps'

'Look! Look! The blue ones' he says pointing 'Are to help me get off the booze. She says 'that when I want a pint I have to take one of those with a pint of water'

'Nullum Gratuitum Prandium! he muttered rubbing his head and looking more depressed 'The green ones are to make my skin more shiny'

It was then I remembered what daOak had told me about what had happened in the bar last week. How the Princess and her mates talked about how they were going to reprogramme Willie.

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'For feck sake!' I thought 'stage two' has just commenced. The poor unfortunate bastard!

'What about the red ones?' I asked curiously

'She says her friends call them 'Lusty Lucy's' or 'Pick up your pecker' pills.' They are good for your libbie doo' He groaned 'Maybe Crupps wouldn't be a bad idea after all! It looks like she is thinking about putting out to stud!...Yeak!'

I placed a consoling hand on his shoulder 'It's called stage two, Willie' I said.

'Ahheeee No! He screeched 'It can't be, I'm too young, I don't want to be 'Raptus regaliter' until I'm ninety three'

'There! there!' I whispered, handing him a tissue 'It's only stage two; she is only just beginning your reprogramming, you'll be able to think for yourself for another while yet. At least until stage three'

'Ahheee Nooo! 'Semper Ubi Sub Ubi' I want to think for myself for ever!' He slobbered

'Here' I said handing him another tissue 'Blow your nose'.

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It was then a thought crept into my head 'I think you should only take the red ones'

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Stop! I wasn't thinking that !

It was then a thought crept into my head 'Lets ask the people who know about these things! I said.

Willie brightened immediately and begged 'Who! Who!

I puffed up and gave him one of my very appealing knowledgeable looks 'The Nerds!'

'What! They know about women?' He asked, suddenly deflating and looking more confused.

'No!' No! Of course not! Lets ask them about de-programming 'Stage Two!'



The Wise One


Latin to English

illegitimi non carborundum: Don't let the bastards grind you down.
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dulce et decorum est pro patria mori: It is sweet and fitting to die for ones country.
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Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentis telum est: A sword is never a killer, it's a tool in the killer's hands.
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Agnus Dei: Lamb of God.
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Nullum Gratuitum Prandium: There is no free lunch.

Raptus regaliter: Royally screwed.
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Semper Ubi Sub Ubi: Always wear underwear.